I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
