Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
