she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
