I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
