She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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