When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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