filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
