i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
