I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
