someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
