Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She told me I should be a condom model.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
