why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the day after is always just damage control
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
