I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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