I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
