The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
