There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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