Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
