I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
