Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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