And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
