Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
