I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
