im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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