Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
