i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
