An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize