I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
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yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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