wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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