remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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