Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
