i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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