I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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