I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
