After last night, I could never be a politician.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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