Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
