I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
