I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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