how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
