Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
