My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
