Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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