youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
