if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
