If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
