I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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