I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
