I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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