hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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