He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
