his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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