Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
