i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
