Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
