I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
