Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
