He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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