Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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