my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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